The Big God Story

This weekend I worked with the children's ministry and, in that capacity, received a CD of the music the kids were learning/had learned this semester.  Now my church in Houston is wonderful for many reasons, but one of them is its music.  We have the privilege of hearing some fantastic Christian artists every week, many of whom are personal friends of the pastor or his family.  Chris Seay (if that name looks familiar to you, you may be thinking of his brother: Robbie Seay of The Robbie Seay Band), the pastor, even boasts that it was he who gave David Crowder (I believe) his first guitar.  So when I say I got a CD of children’s ministry music and actually played it in my child-free car on my way to work Monday morning, I want to be clear that this was not your typical Jesus loves me, this I know kind of music. J  The songs are peppy and cheerful, but some of them also have great depth to them, courtesy of a few of the artists bless us with their  regular presence as worship leaders. 

The song that has stuck with me, however, is not one that initially struck me as particularly loaded with spiritual meaning, and yet I have found myself singing its opening chorus line over and over in my head since seven o’clock Monday morning.  It goes like this:  Je-sus loves  me.  He made a-all I see.  He wanted meee to beee…part of the big God story, the big God story, the big God sto-ory.  Somewhere between the 600^th and 700^th repetition of these words, it hit me that I spend a lot of time looking at my little story and not nearly enough time seeing things from the perspective of God’s big story.  I find I have a little extra left in my checking account and I plan generally unnecessary shopping trips; Something happens with my center/agency and I barely get through pleasantries with my long-suffering parents before I’m complaining about inefficiency, I hear about a friend’s engagement and I focus on my feelings of being left behind.  As I continue down this rabbit hole, I get more and more lonely/ irritated/ prideful/ upset/ vulnerable to temptation and thus, find more reasons to focus on my own little story. 

But God doesn’t want us to live in our own little story.  He wants us to be part of His huge, glorious story!  How incredible is that?!  We were created to be workers and warriors with God and while sin corrupted that relationship, He still wants us to be restored to that place.  There is still a part of our make-up that longs for that kind of adventure!  It may be for that reason that people of all ages get so swept up in epic adventure stories like Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter or Narnia; the all-out fight for what is good against what is evil rings true in our souls. 

The beauty of literature is that we never have time to get lulled into a sense that the brokenness we see around us is normal.  In life, it is easy to fall into that trap and then to see the stories and prophesies in the Bible as fantastic rather than true.  As we wait for them to unfold in God’s timing, we lose the sense of urgency that is present in a well-written epic novel.  (At least I do.)  But it really shouldn’t be that way because God is doing big things even now—holding back His wrath so that more of His children can recognize and cling to the gift He’s extending to them. 

Over Thanksgiving, I had the opportunity to share the Gospel with my grandmother, which is something for which I have been praying for quite a while now.  I probably have had chances before, but I never took them and in the last few months it has been heavy on my heart, so I had been asking God to give me one more chance.  The funny thing is that I was half-way through explaining the Good News before I realized that God was answering my prayer.  I can’t describe the feeling except that it was incredible.  I was overwhelmed with the knowledge and simultaneously so excited and proud and humbled to have been entrusted with the task that I had failed in so many times before.  As she asked questions, I lost my fear and laid out the truth with love and passion and without worrying about tiptoeing around the issue.  There was so much freedom in that step of obedience! 

The reason I bring it up is that at one point she asked us (Chelsea had joined us at this point—once again, I can’t even describe the feeling of sharing this experience with my incredible little sister!) about the wrongness that is so pervasive in the world and why, if God loves us, He doesn’t come and put it right again.  At this point I got pretty passionate and I don’t know if I made my point very clearly, because this is something that I finally understood this year through reading Revelation with my church small group: God hates to see the brokenness of our lives and the only reason He is holding back the restoration of the earth and humanity is so that He can gather His children and bring them to a place where regardless of what befalls their bodies, they will be back in right relationship with Him, able to work with Him in the new earth that is lit by His very presence! 

The restoration that He is going to bring cannot be accomplished without the wrath and just judgment that will eradicate sin and forever break the power of the enemy.  If people were left the way we are without Jesus’ sacrifice, we would be casualties in that destruction and God knows it, so He waits, gathering His children and changing their hearts so that when the time comes, only the chaff will be burned away, revealing our pure, true selves, the way He intended us to be and we will have something to lay before the feet of our Lord that will make Him smile and welcome us with the intimacy of a perfect familial relationship.

The big God story puts the things in my little story into perspective and allows me to side-step the traps that the devil so carefully lays for me (he knows me very well, so his traps are very often successful).  I here pray that God would continue to give each of us a glimpse of His larger story being worked out even through the things that don’t make sense in our lives so that we can rejoice in the purpose we each have: to be workers with the almighty God who loves us enough to stay His hand for a little while longer so that His lost sheep will be brought back to Him to rejoice with Him at the restoration that is to come!

Running Metaphor

Last week, I heard someone say that you should always do what God tells you to do… and if you haven’t heard from Him in a while, go back to the last thing you know He told you to do and keep at it… He’ll be in touch soon.  It was said in the spirit of a punch-line, but I think there is some definite truth to it.  I’ve certainly seen it in my life.  Trouble is, sometimes its difficult to remember what it was God asked, especially since it’s usually something that I didn’t particularly want to do in the first place…

Today, I took a run in the Buffalo Bayou.  It’s been something on my Houston to-do list for about a year now—don’t judge, I only moved within sight of it 3 months ago and it’s been so gall dern hot and humid ‘round here during most of that time that I’ve been putting it off.  We got a cold front in yesterday though (meaning that the high was only 75—everything is relative) and this morning was crisp and bright and perfect so I deserted the gym and went out to taste a bit of fall!  Having never run the Bayou before, I should probably have checked google maps for mileage and a route, but beautiful fall running days are not to be planned, they are to be experienced, with deep breaths and twirls if at all possible, so I just grabbed my keys and headed out!  

The way the running path is situated, you run along the Bayou on one side and have opportunities at most overpasses to cross to the other side.  The route I took promised to take me about 1.5 miles down the Bayou from my apt and back, but when I got there, I saw that the path continued on the other side of the Bayou with just a quick jog across the Shepherd overpass, so I adjusted course, noting that I was headed back the correct direction towards my apartment and that the landmarks around that area would be familiar.  

Running outdoors is such a pleasure, especially when it is beautiful weather and other people and their dogs are out in abundance.  Most people, I noticed, weren’t even wearing headphones, but just enjoying the morning with their thoughts or their friends.  I saw an overpass that I thought might be a good place to cross back to my side of the Bayou, but I was thoroughly enjoying my run as well so I ignored the instinct and continued on until I reached a point where I could see several familiar buildings and the street I needed to turn onto… about 50 feet above my head with no way up.  I thought back to the overpass I had considered before, but always loathe to back-track, I decided to continue forward and see if I couldn’t find another place to cross further up.  

I went another 1/3^rd of a mile before I saw a pedestrian bridge that was completely blocked off for construction and kept going until I started seeing buildings on either side of the Bayou that I didn’t recognize.  I was getting a distinct feeling that I was headed away from the apartment, so I turned around and began to head back, feeling much more comfortable when I again saw the grassy lot adjacent to my apartment building… from a distance still, but those who know my directionally-challenged nature will agree that I can hardly turn up my nose at familiar land-marks!  A bit further down, I saw a little path that diverged from the main jogging trail and headed up to street level.  I followed it and smiled to find an overpass I recognized as being only a few blocks down from my apartment.  Taking it, I relaxed again into the steady rhythm of my stride (slowed down a bit at this point it must be admitted!)  When I got home I mapped out my run and saw that, had I continued on instead of turning back, I would have added another two miles to my route.

It occurred to me that following God’s plans can feel very like my run.  You set off, knowing generally where you are going and pursue that course.  At some point, He nudges you to make a course adjustment and you either do or don’t, and after a while, you see things that are familiar, that jive with what you know of God and His direction or not.  Too often when I get that niggling feeling that this is not what God had planned, I try to fix it on my own instead of going back to what I know He called me to do—leaning on myself instead of His bottomless strength.  He can redeem any situation, but when I stubbornly refuse to humbly press ‘restart’, I make it more complicated to do so, meaning that the path that might have only been .1 miles of readjustment becomes 2 more full miles of discomfort or unease. 

If you don’t know what ‘home’ looks like, it’s easier to get lost, thinking that you’re on the right track; but knowing and checking-in with what you know of home’s distinctive features makes it easier to notice when things are not what they should be, and also when you have re-adjusted correctly and are heading the right direction again.  The same is true with the Word.  Thank God that He provided something that we can turn to in order to see the re-calculations we need to make on our way! 

Revelations and Reoriented Perspectives

About three weeks ago I read John 16 & 17 with my small group and I have not been able to get it out of my mind since.  I’ve read it and re-read it and it keeps blowing me away.  I don’t know how I missed it before—I’ve read it, but I never caught the tone of sincere love and provision Jesus sets as He prays for us.  

Chapter 16 continues a discussion Jesus is having with His disciples.  It is the point in Jesus’ life where He is about to be betrayed.  He is with His disciples after the Passover meal and telling them the things that they will need to know before He will leave them for a time… and He already knows how difficult that will be for His friends and followers.  It ends with the incredibly encouraging statement: “In this world there will be trouble, but take heart!  I have overcome the world.” 

And then, in Ch. 17, He begins to pray.  He prays first for Himself, asking the Father to glorify Him in the Father’s presence as He had been before the world began and defining eternal life:  “that they may know you, the only true God and Jesus Christ whom you have sent.”  He then prays for His disciples--the men He has come to know in a humanly familiar sense and who accepted His word.  He prays protection over them, knowing very well the attacks both human and spiritual that will rain down on them from all sides.  He asks that the Father not take them out of the world, but to sanctify them—set them apart for sacred use.  I love that definition.  It just shows that God has purpose for our lives.  Jesus asks that we be set apart for God to use to fulfill His purposes.  That will certainly look different for each of our lives, but I found it so encouraging to ‘hear’ Jesus asking for purpose for our lives.  There is no question that we get to be part of the great work that God is doing. J 

Then he goes on to pray for the disciples to “be one AS WE are one”—He’s not talking about unity with God here, but unity like His unity with the Father among and between the disciples.  Wow.  This is the epitome of intimacy.  Knowing each other’s hearts and heart-cries and loving unconditionally, working in complete agreement toward the same goals… each equally convinced of each other’s worth and competence and unquestionable belief that the goal towards which they are working is a worthy one as well.  Just think!  We are called to such unity!  Just think how differently our lives would look if we were actually able to live like that!  And Jesus wants that for us!  Such an awesome calling!

Then, as Jesus continues His prayer, He prays for “those who will believe in me because of their message”…i.e. US.  I never caught that.  Jesus Christ prayed for ME and you too!   Truly reading this for the first time without scales on my eyes, I was blown away by this!  He stepped out of unreachable history and once again reminded me that He is Lord, savior, and friend now.  Not just sometime in the future when I will get to see Him face-to-face.  He knows us now and prayed for us before we ever existed.  Talk about a personal God!  And yet, I lose sight of Him that way so often. 

I forget that He warned me that there would be trouble and trials in this world because I am no longer of the world any more than He is of the world (Jn 17:16).  Of course I will find myself homesick for Him and the perfection that my soul knows (savoir) but has yet to know-know (connaître).  As soon as I lose my Godly perspective, everything is confusing and surprising in unpleasant ways.  I begin to, once again, listen to Satan’s lies… the really insidious ones that leave me questioning why I am at the place I’m at, why I don’t have the things I’ve convinced myself I would satisfy me.  The things that would satisfy me?  Do you hear the lies?  Nothing satisfies, but the Lord.  Even if I were able to wave a magic wand and suddenly have “all my hearts desires” I would not be at peace because I would not be resting in God—the source of peace.  

This contrast was painfully obvious just this weekend when I found myself a bit low and lonely Friday night.  Satan tempted and whispered (it would be a whole lot easier to resist him if he shouted and appeared as ugly as he truly is!) and I bought his lies and began to focus on myself instead of running to God.  Needless to say it was like ash in my mouth.  The next morning, I went to Congregation Beth Messiah, (Messianic Jewish synagogue) with a friend from my small group and the joy and rejoicing and truth in the service was a balm to my rumpled spirit.  My perspective was renewed by the worship and teaching and I finally got up the courage to join in one of the simple circle dances that are led throughout the music portions!  Being connected with believers—literally taking hands and dancing together, praying together, and generally joining together to be in God’s presence and rest in Him was such a blessing!  

It ended up continuing all day as we met with the college-age/career group after service for lunch—“real chili” provided by the couple who leads it once a month (you have to imagine ‘real chili’ spoken in Tim’s down-home Texas country accent to get the full effect of that dish’s description by the way!) and Bible study that stretched into several lively discussions and some sweet, sweet music that went between guitar-led and a capella singing and finally concluded with a Havdalah ceremony that closed the Sabbath (page through this link http://www.scribd.com/doc/20287577/Sabbath-Celebrations to get a sense of it if you are interested.)  It was such a beautifully restful day and at the same time was incredibly energizing!  Celebrating the Sabbath as a day of rest in the Lord is still pretty new to me, but when I do it… oh my goodness!  I am so rejuvenated!  I feel ready to step out the next week and walk through whatever the devil throws at me, with the re-established knowledge that God is with me and has already provided for me and prayed for me and has no interest in making me face it alone!  Praise God!

Casting the Vision

As the heading hints, I chose the title of this blog around this time last year. I was in the throws of late placement with Teach for America and I was beginning to wonder if it had really been God who had directed my steps to Houston, or if it was a very mis-guided and naïve me. It didn’t get much better even after I was placed. It was a time where everything felt new and strange. I didn’t know what I was doing or even the right questions to ask to figure it out. I took to looking at the Houston skyline as a source of comfort because there is one stretch when you approach downtown from 59 S that gave me the same feeling as the approach to downtown LA on the 110 N. Anyone who knows my opinion of LA will find this a rather odd safety blanket for me!

As I learned to navigate my new city, complete with its own quirks and oddities (feeder roads? Round-abouts? What???), I would invariably manage to get myself lost and would then hear the ever-present “recalculating” as ‘Emily’ would attempt to figure out how I had screwed up this time. After a while, I had to mute it lest my last smidge of self confidence be robbed by a machine that, despite what I know I heard, did not, I am sure, become increasingly judgmental as time passed.

Looking back over the last several years, “Recalculating” has been a fairly consistent theme. I am a planner, so I calculate everything and I backwards-plan and I color-code and and and… then I step back for just a moment and watch God Re-calculate, Re-organize, and Re-establish the plans He had/s for me—Plans that are always good and beautiful and perfect for the time and place and state in which I find myself. But I rarely see that until the clarity of 20/20 hindsight kicks in. Last year, I saw quite a few of these re-routes all in a row.

My plan was to finish college and jump head-first into a marketing career… most likely on the west coast. Instead, God suggested Teach for America. Then the plan was to teach middle school English for two years and get back to the original plan, backed by a meaningful, resume-building experience. Instead, God said, “Lets go with pre-K…and how about Science and Social Studies instead?” So the plan became: “2 years of pre-K then …um…?” and God started painting characters and plots and scenes in my mind. Before long, I found myself working on a novel, which was apparently more surprising to me than anyone else with whom I shyly shared my new project. And then I started thinking grad school after a three-year stint in pre-K, and specifically Edinburgh MA of English: Creative Writing.

In the beginning, I was excited and felt so sure that God was in control. I wanted to go where he led me and see what adventures He had in store. I heard once that God never wants us to be bored. He will give us times of great calm or rejoicing or contrarily, allow us to experience difficulties (though never without Him). While things were fairly calm my senior year, I was never bored. I remember thinking that my last year of college was the calm before the approaching storm and I drank in that peace trying to squirrel it away for the future. What I discovered is that the peace that He gave me was indeed a gift. It was a sweet time and it strengthened me for this new adventure to which He had called me, but it was not meant to be saved for later. Instead, the confluence of circumstances that made the 2009-2010 school year especially hard also allowed me to see His incredible provision—and I am continuing to see it now.

I felt alone, He gave me a family of believers in the form of the most wonderful small group I could ever have asked for. I felt lost, He taught (is teaching) me to listen for His guidance. I held onto things that hurt me, He’s helping me let them go. I yearned to know Him better, to see Him and hear Him, and touch Him. He is revealing more and more of His character to me through some incredible books, a non-denominational church and a messianic Jewish synagogue, and the thought/processing that is intrinsic to the writing process to name a few things.

So my plan as of now, is to stay one more year teaching pre-K and in that time polish up the curriculum that I created last year with some other TFA girls and develop a competitive writing portfolio of 2-3 excellent short stories, and head to grad school—possibly in Scotland, possibly in the US… but I’m holding it loosely and praying that God will continue to re-route and recalculate my path so that it more-closely matches His perfect, though as yet veiled, plans for me. “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”—Jer. 9:11

For anyone who reads this, I will be posting on what God has been teaching me and where it looks like He is directing me to go. I covet your thoughts and insights and look forward to engaging with you on these topics! I will close this with a benediction I have always loved: May God go with you. May He go behind you to encourage you, beside you to befriend you in obedient ministry, above you to watch over you, within you to give you power and before you to show you the way.